Amelia Earhart was a childhood hero of mine. Of course by childhood, I refer to a period of time that stretched well into my early twenties...but I'm growing up now.

Thursday, May 20, 2004

Major Karaoke

I am Major Karaoke from Dimension Y, and my mission is to encourage mediocre vocal ability throughout the earth. I am a product of the machinations of an office geek’s mind, created to wreak havoc wherever ears function. So open up your auditory receptacles, and prepare… You may not ever see me coming, but every time you hear a tone-deaf version of “All By Myself” or a rendition of “It’s the End of the World As We Know It” that’s missing half the lyrics (and those remaining are wrong), you can guess that I probably had a hand in the kick in the pants that propelled that screeching soul onstage. I would like to put two disclaimers on this assertion right now: 1) I have nothing to do with American Idol, as I only deal in minor mischief, not the sort of grand evil that it takes to inflict such large scale pollution. 2) I only handle sober “singers” – the intoxicated don’t need my help, and furthermore I like my shoes just how they are: vomit-free.

Today I have a bit of advice to dispense:

Kitchen utensils only make appropriate “practice mikes” if they don’t have sharp points or edges

The following lyrics are correct: “Ain’t No Woman Like the One I’ve Got” – the lyrics: “Ain’t No Woman Like the One-Eyed Gott” are not

Show tunes from Jekyll and Hyde are NEVER suitable for karaoke – even if they are listed in the book.

Even though the acoustics are fabulous, practicing too much in the shower is not the best idea – you want to be able to picture the audience naked while performing, not yourself.

Over and out.


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