Major Karaoke

I am Major Karaoke from Dimension Y, and my mission is to encourage mediocre vocal ability throughout the earth. I am a product of the machinations of an office geek’s mind, created to wreak havoc wherever ears function. So open up your auditory receptacles, and prepare… You may not ever see me coming, but every time you hear a tone-deaf version of “All By Myself” or a rendition of “It’s the End of the World As We Know It” that’s missing half the lyrics (and those remaining are wrong), you can guess that I probably had a hand in the kick in the pants that propelled that screeching soul onstage. I would like to put two disclaimers on this assertion right now: 1) I have nothing to do with American Idol, as I only deal in minor mischief, not the sort of grand evil that it takes to inflict such large scale pollution. 2) I only handle sober “singers” – the intoxicated don’t need my help, and furthermore I like my shoes just how they are: vomit-free.

Today I have a bit of advice to dispense:

Kitchen utensils only make appropriate “practice mikes” if they don’t have sharp points or edges

The following lyrics are correct: “Ain’t No Woman Like the One I’ve Got” – the lyrics: “Ain’t No Woman Like the One-Eyed Gott” are not

Show tunes from Jekyll and Hyde are NEVER suitable for karaoke – even if they are listed in the book.

Even though the acoustics are fabulous, practicing too much in the shower is not the best idea – you want to be able to picture the audience naked while performing, not yourself.

Over and out.

Nautical Nonsense

In honor of Patrick the car, who got two new tires this weekend, but is still dying slowly...I present to you some of my favorite Spongebob quotes:


Patrick: I'll tell you a little story called "The Ugly Barnacle": Once there was a very ugly barnacle. He was so ugly that everybody died. The End.

Patrick: You're a man now, SpongeBob, and it's time you started acting like one.
SpongeBob: Yeah. Oh, but I'm not sure how.
Patrick: Allow me to demonstrate. First, puff out your chest.
[SpongeBob puffs out his chest]
Patrick: Now say, "tax exemption."
SpongeBob: Tax exemption.
Patrick: Now you must develop a taste for free-form jazz.
[Both listen intently to jazz music]
Patrick: Okay, you're ready.

Mr. Krabs: It's not the boots, it's the boot-ee. Err... I mean, uh... the person in the boots.

Barnacle Boy: We won. And the superhero-supervillain rules require you to do what I say.
ManRay: World domination. Ask for world domination.
The Dirty Bubble: Make him eat dirt.
[Man-Ray gives him a curious look]
The Dirty Bubble: In addition to the world domination thing.

Squidward: Let me get this straight. You two bought a big screen television just so you could play in the box?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Pretty smart, huh?
Patrick: I thought it wouldn't work.

Patrick: Liar, liar, plants for hire.
SpongeBob SquarePants: It's pants on fire, Patrick.
Patrick: Well you would know, liar.

Squidward: But I have a theory. People talk loud when they wanna act smart, right?
Plankton: CORRECT.

Patrick: I wanna defeat the giant monkey man and save the ninth dimension.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Me too. But that sounds a little too hard. Let's try smaller.
Patrick: I wanna defeat the little monkey man and save the eighth dimension

Squidward: I can't believe anybody would celebrate a holiday where a jolly prowler breaks into your house and leaves gifts.

Patrick: "I know a lot about head injuries...belieeeve me!"

Patrick: "I can't see my forehead!"

Squidward: "Has anyone ever played an instrument before?"
*Patrick's hand goes up*
Patrick:" Is mayonnaise an instrument?"
Squidward: "No Patrick, mayonnaise is not an instrument."
*Patrick's hand goes up again*
Squidward: "No Patrick, horseradish is not an instrument either."
*Patrick's hand goes down*

I promise to stop with the cheap quote posts soon, but I was having too much fun.

Con-grad-ulations!

So today I ventured out of my office to partake in some graduation festivities (okay, food). And I had some thoughts:

Can you believe all this pomp and circumstance?

I have heard many old women complain about the innappropriate way todays girls dress. I agree, but am at a loss to explain why these same old women wear dress shirts that show their bras, have enormous panty lines and the top of their briefs are often sticking out of their pants. Perhaps this is because at this age their undergarments could double for a tank top and shorts that would still be far more modest than the inappropriate clothing. I don't know, but I think the trends in both girls and grandmas are gross.

A graduation speech is terribly depressing given the gift of retrospect after the passing of a few years. I delivered one at my 8th grade promotion, full of hope and promise and a challenge to my classmates to soar in to life like our mascot, the Eagle. Not only do I realize now that many of those same classmates have not lived up to such lofty aspirations (myself included), but also that on some level I knew that would be the case when I gave the speech. An excercise in futility sugar-coated just enough so that everyone's parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents and third cousins, will go "aww" and applaud.

Leis are really pretty.


That's all for now, I have to catch my bus.

Me fail English? That's unpossible!

Random Thought: Cartoons should be more careful about imposing spelling and pronunciation abnormalities on impressionable young minds. Thanks to Yogi Bear, I will forever think there is an extra "i" in the word picnic ("picinic baskets").

'Cause It's a No-Go Showboat

Four wheels,
One edible.
Two headlights,
Waning in the daylight.
One truck, left.
One car, right.
One curb, front.
6 feet of cable,
Ready to jump,
But can't reach.
Waiting for the Street Sweeper
To sweep it all away.

Poor, dear sweet Patrick...

Patrick (named after Patrick Star of Spongebob fame - appropriate because Patrick the car is decorated with quite a bit of Spongebob merchandise) is my car, and he's very sick right now. He's actually stranded on Ellendale, because I left his lights on while I was at church yesterday, and he needs a jump. But, since he is on Ellendale, that means he is nose-in between two cars that didn't move yesterday, and so my friend Marissa who so kindly tried to help me jump him couldn't get her car close enough to do so. I'm praying that this evening will find him a bit less trapped, since he's on the Tuesday side of the street for cleaning. He also suffered a flat recently and is hobbling along on a donut spare. He needs to go home and get some rest, until I can afford to fix him. *sigh* Bye, bye private transportation.

Egad, I'm sound pathetic. Poor me, poor me. Sheesh.

Prize goes to anyone who knows where my title comes from (no fair typing it into a search engine! :) ).

You're a PHONY! Yes, and you know what, you can't even sing. You were dubbed.

Because I stumbled upon a quote site while looking up information about The Great Muppet Caper (1981), you get to read more:

[Kermit is sitting on a bench - a man and his daughter walk by]
Girl: Look, father. A bear.
Father: No, dear. That's a frog. Bears wear hats.

Pops: How do you guys intend to pay? A) credit card. B) cash. C) sneak out in the middle of the night.
Fozzie: We'll take C.
Pops: Very popular choice.

[In a hot-air balloon]
Gonzo: I wonder what it would be like to do this without a balloon.
Kermit: Do what? Plummet to the ground?
Gonzo: Yeah.
Kermit: Well... I guess you could do it once.

Miss Piggy: [about Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem's playing] They don't have to play this loud.
Kermit: That's okay, they don't mind.

Air Steward: All out for England.
Kermit: Great the plane is landing.
Air Steward: [opens cargo door in mid-flight] No, the plane lands in Italy. You land in England.

Prison Guard: Miss Piggy.
Miss Piggy: What?
Prison Guard: Your lawyer is here.
Miss Piggy: Lawyer? I don't have a lawyer.
Prison Guard: Sure you do. Little green guy.
Miss Piggy: [short intake of breath] Kermie. Oh. No wonder he hasn't come by to see me. He had to finish law school.

Kermit: What's wrong with the drummer? He looks a little crazed.
Zoot: Oh, he's just upset about missing the Monet exhibit at the National Gallery.
Animal: RENOIR. RENOIR.

Sorry, I was trying to use just one quote and connect it to something I wanted to write, but instead...oh, I'm not going to justify myself. Roll the credits.

Fozzy: Wow, a lot of people worked on this movie...

Fozzy: [about the credits] Nobody reads those things anyways, do they?
Kermit: Sure... they all have families.

If that's the Happiness Hotel, I'd hate to see what the sad one looks like.

A bit from the Muppet Caper Movie (1981).

Kermit: We were wondering if you could recommend a nice hotel. Actually, a cheap hotel.
British Gentleman: How cheap?
Fozzie: Free.
British Gentleman: That narrows the field a bit.
[reading from his guide]
British Gentleman: "Places where you can park your carcasses." Bus terminals, the river banks, the Happiness Hotel...
Kermit: The Happiness Hotel? That sounds great.
Gonzo: What's wrong with bus terminals?

My parents are going to be visiting the great city of LA (and me) at the end of this month. Well, that is they are coming to LA to wisk me away to...Palm Springs. Should be fun. I'll pretend I'm a movie star...in 1940. Anyway the above quote is in reference to the conversation I had with them when they were trying to figure out where they would be staying. i.e. I offered up my apartment as the "Happiness Hotel" option. (It is after all free.) And that is why we are going to Palm Springs.